Yikes! Have you ever pulled up to a drive thru, looked at the menu, and wondered what would absolutely kill your diet? Wonder no more, Joe Wilkes has given us a heads up. Thanks Joe for looking after our waistline.
1. Deluxe Breakfast (McDonald’s). The most important meal of the day. . . the day of the dead! McDonald’s, the restaurant that figured out how to fill bread with pancake syrup, starts the day off with a plate full of hotcakes, hash browns, eggs, and sausage—1,140 calories worth! Sure, it’s only about half the calories you need in a day, but you get almost ALL of the RDA of fat—59 grams! And 94 percent of your RDA of sodium. I’m lovin’ it!® Truly a breakfast only the Cryptkeeper would love. The Egg McMuffin, meanwhile, only has 300 calories, 12 grams of fat, and 34 percent of your day’s sodium allowance.
2. The Baconator (Wendy’s). Six strips of bacon, on top of two quarter-pound patties of ground beef with cheese and mayo. If a vampire sucks your blood after you eat this, he’d better be packing some Lipitor. This will set you back 830 calories, with 51 grams of fat, 22 of which are saturated, and almost a full supply of your sodium RDA. This is a sad, new menu item from Wendy’s, especially since this is one of the better fast food chains, healthwise. A cup of their chili is only 220 calories with 6 grams of fat. And their Mandarin Chicken Salad (without dressing) is 360 calories with 16 grams of fat.
3. The BK Stacker Quad (Burger King). Because you can’t spell quadruple bypass without “quad.” The BK Stacker is
the burger concept designed for people with a flair for architecture, poor impulse control, and/or unhingeable jaws. This outdoes the Baconator with an extra two strips of bacon (eight total) and, as its name suggests, a full FOUR beef patties. This adds up to a nice round 1,000 calories and a full day’s supply of fat (68 grams; 30 saturated). Yes you can have it your way . . . to the grave! Mwahahahaha! Or you could get the Tendergrill Chicken Fillet (hold the mayo!) which has 400 calories and only 7 grams of fat.
4. The Double Six-Dollar Burger (Carl’s Jr.). This burger is marketed on the West Coast as a thrifty alternative to the ginormous burgers served at more “upscale” restaurants, like Fuddrucker’s. So you can dress up like Rich Uncle Pennybags this Halloween. It costs $5.49, but I guess since it’s double, it could work out to be a TWELVE-dollar burger. It has a whopping 1,520 calories and 111 grams of fat (47 grams saturated). With these kinds of savings, you won’t need any more fat for two whole days! So if it’s a twelve-dollar value, you’re essentially saving $6.51 per burger by eating at Carl’s. That means you only need to eat about 153 burgers to save up enough to afford a home defibrillation kit! Or you might check out Carl’s Charbroiled BBQ Chicken Sandwich with only 360 calories and 4.5 grams of fat. For you East Coasters who want to get onto the defibrillation plan, Carl’s sister chain, Hardee’s, serves up the Monster Thickburger, which puts up similar numbers as the Double Six-Dollar Burger.
5. Meat Lover’s Stuffed Crust Pizza (Pizza Hut). The season of disguises. And Pizza Hut has hidden extra cheese in the crust of their pizza. This cheese-stuffed delight topped with all of your favorite saturated-fat-laden meaty favorites has 520 calories for one slice, or one-eighth of a 14-inch pie. But who can eat just one piece? If you show restraint and only have two pieces, you’re in for 1,040 calories and 58 grams of fat (24 saturated). And if you show no restraint and eat the whole pie, you’ve got 4,160 calories (that’s two days’ worth) and 232 grams of fat (four days’ worth). Or you could have the Veggie Lovers’ Thin ‘N Crispy Pizza, which will only set you back 180 calories and 7 grams of fat per slice of an eight-slice, 12-inch pizza.
6. Chicken & Biscuit Bowl (KFC). Maybe you’re dressing as a zombie this Halloween and you want to approximate the experience of eating brains fresh from the skull. Give KFC’s Chicken & Biscuit Bowl a try. It’s not nearly as healthy as human brains, but it is a big bowl of mushy, fatty garbage. It layers mashed potatoes with corn and bits of batter-fried chicken. Then the Colonel tops the whole thing with gravy AND cheese to maximize the artery-clogging value. Stick a white-flour biscuit in the side and you have a bowl full of 870 calories and 44 grams of fat. That calorie count will almost erase any suspicion that this is just a previous customer’s plate scrapings. Instead, try the Tender Roast Sandwich (without sauce). It’s only 300 calories with 4.5 grams of fat. You could eat three of them before you approach the Chicken & Biscuit Bowl’s calories and still only have a third of the fat.
7. Grilled Stuft Beef Burrito (Taco Bell). Ready to bust out the sombrero and serape for a Halloween stereotype? You might enjoy this equally authentic Mexican burrito which comes in at 680 calories and 30 grams of fat. This doesn’t begin to approach the technology of the burger joints’ fat delivery systems, but you’ll still have to make a pretty long run for the border to burn this baby off. And the restaurant that pioneered the concept of the “fourth meal” generally encourages you to buy it as part of a combo, accompanied with another menu item like a 200-to-300-calorie taco or two, which can get you over the thousand-calorie mark before you know it. Instead, check out the “Fresco” menu wherein they have several of their popular favorites with the cheese and sour cream swapped out for salsa. Most of the Fresco items are under 200 calories and 8 grams of fat or less.
8. Caramel Pecanbon (Cinnabon). Who doesn’t like a little snack with their coffee at the mall? But something wicked this way comes in the form of this roll from Cinnabon. It packs a whopping 1,100 calories and 56 grams of fat. It makes Wendy’s Baconator look like a light dining option. Instead, the sorcerers at Cinnabon have magically shrunk their namesake product into a Minibon, which only has 300 calories and 11 grams of fat. A sensible treat instead of a fat trick.
9. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Blizzard (Dairy Queen). How about dressing up as Cookie Monster? How about Cookie Monster with an insulin pump? At the DQ you can carboload with this large milkshake. It’ll give you 1,320 calories and 52 grams of fat, 27 grams of which are saturated, and 6 grams are trans fat! Trans fat? You heard me. It’s like the 90s are back! And this is likely a dessert you’re eating after you’ve had a burger and fries. Instead, try satisfying your sweet tooth with a 150-calorie soft-serve cone with only 5 grams of fat.
10. Oreo Pizza (Domino’s). Halloween brings out all kinds of unholy manmade mutants like the Wolfman, Frankenstein, and Michael Jackson. This monstrosity from Domino’s wouldn’t be out of place on the buffet at the Island of Dr. Moreau. I can only imagine the potential dishes in our future if this culinary atrocity takes off. Chocolate-covered french fries? Kung Pao cookies? Caramel Buffalo wings? Half of a 10-inch pizza has 480 calories and 16 grams of fat, 4 grams of which are saturated. Hmmmm . . . it’s actually not that unhealthy. But who’d want to eat it? Bleccch!
Now nobody get confused, this is on the DON’T EAT LIST. 🙂